Disappointment, Shaking Off and Stepping Up

No matter how much we want something, if it is not meant for us, He'll take it away.

That is what I was telling myself after the confirmation.  I have to admit, I really don't understand why He didn't give it to me.

20 days ago, I took the ICFC qualifying exams. I didn't expect that I'd be the section representative. Aira and Archie were really exceptional on Financial Controllerships P1 in third year and I was just third. But I did well on other Finance subjects and aced all the exams. Qualifying as a candidate for ICFC is such an honor, not only because one is selected per section, but you also get the chance to compete and represent the school.

The exam was 84 items long and questions were really hard (my head ached after, to think we did some technical aspect of the Feasib). Sad thing is, I didn't even bother read any related books whatsoever.

After a week, results came out. I was very happy that I got 72 correct items!!!!! Imagine that! Reading WSJ everyday paid off! Hahaha. But here is the twist, I will still be pitted against 13 more people University wide (Accountancy, Stat, Finance, BS Math). Only 5 students will compete outside.

But I made it again. Thank God for the patience because I really studied hard for the 2nd round exams. The roster is complete - there were 2 other girls, one from Finance, the other one from Accountancy. The rest were boys from Stat. Trainings will be everyday, 7-9PM, and all of us have to allot at least 4 hours per day readings and computation simulations. I remember I am graduating and I have a Feasibility Study which I needed to complete.

There is a feud happening among faculty members of Finance that time. Never really bothered to know more about it. I think it has something to do with power.

I never knew this feud would cost me this competition. My feasib prof would not want any of her students participating in the competition. She says it's just a waste of time. Found this out when she talked to me after the Final 5 list came out. I don't see it as a big deal then. But when she already gave me options, that's where I finally absorbed it: she does not want PUP team to win. Well, she says we'll reach up to level 1 semis, but would not last until level 3 given the line up of trainers we have, versus other schools.' Crab mentality at its finest.

Options were: I will NOT compete OR continue with competing, and she'll drop me.

Putangina di ba? Of course I told my groupmates about this, they were very supportive of me in this endeavor, but the choice is really upon me. I did not tell my trainer, I just do not want this to be a really big issue and I can see where this is headed. I will be dragged into this deeper. I have great deal of association with my trainer because I really look up to him and see him as my mentor. Don't want to be in the middle of the mess and I.FUCKING.WANT.TO.GRADUATE.ON.TIME.

Three days into the training,  I decided I am not joining. I don't know. I was such a coward. I wanted this so so bad. Pero I chickened out. I want to finish my feasib. I want to graduate on time. I want to. So I made the choice.

I am very disappointed with both professors. They should not be making students choose between completing a course and competing for the school. We can do both. In fact, you plucked out Top 5 of your students. FUCK POLITICS.

They say everything happens for a reason. But whatever the reason is, I still feel frustrated and disappointed. No matter how many  "Ok lang yan" advices, the pain would still remain.

Sana maging madali ang pagtanggap kong hindi iyon para sa akin. Sana makita ko kung ano talaga ang dahilang ng hindi Niya pagbibigay niyon sa akin. Sana, makita ko kung ano talaga ang plano Niya.