Twenty Seven

Turning a year older today is a bit different. I'm not really the type who contemplates the grand and mundane things I do with my life on my birthday, but the first thing I thought upon waking up is, "where have all the years gone by?"



During the past weekend, I re-read some of the journals I have kept at home. It was something I planned on doing because reading old handwritten texts I wrote gives me comfort, and it also reassures me somehow that I can always make it. Last Saturday was the only time I have to rummage through old notes, thanks to a week full of meetings and getaways and celebrations.

There I was -- slumped on my bedroom floor, clad in a matching gray pyjamas, messy hair, boxes unearthed and notebooks scattered around me while the afternoon sun rays are peering through the window -- it's like seeing myself through a looking glass: young, idealistic, with grand dreams and head full of vision; always, always dreaming and nursing the thoughts in my head by writing even when I didn't have the right words to convey them.

By going through these old friends, I re-discovered parts of me that I sometimes forget.

• I definitely hadn't changed my taste in music and arts - always classical and willowy. 
• When I am feeling stressed/down, I tend to write more. I write on a first person point of view, always. 
• There was no mention of settling down and building my own family during 2009-2014, I was focused on career, earning more, and giving back to my family.
• My siblings were always the first ones to know about everything. 
• When I was 20, I wanted to be 25 so that I can already move out of our house, and follow my own rules.
• Creating art is therapeutic, but also stresses me out when I overthink. 
• I have been living mostly alone since 2012 and I like it very much. Most of the well-written journal entries were produced during 2012-2013. 
• I value my alone time SO MUCH. I even crave it. Hahaha!
• The friends who I love and cherish and value are less than 20 and their names can be found on my journal pages
• There is some sort of a bucket list of the things I want to do/have before I hit 30. 15/23 are done, I still have three years to cross out the remaining ones.
• At 23, I felt like I was already 60 because of the burden I was carrying. Good thing I survived.  
• I wanted to travel the world and be an advocate of education and women empowerment. 
• Funny how, when there are journal posts about pets or animals, there's an angry emoticon at the end of the page. I'm not really into animals/pets. Hahahaha!

It is looking back while moving forward, picking up pieces of memory along the way, and trying not to wander off the path I have carefully carved for myself. I was already returning the notes when a dried rose petal fell from one of the pages, and when I returned it, I saw the message I was desperately in need of.

Dear Future Self,

I hope you never cease to stay on the positive side of life. Someday, you will thank me for encouraging you to chase after your dreams but bear in mind that it may not be easy - there will be obstacles along the way, but don't fret. As long as you keep your eyes on the goal, you will make it. I will be there at the finish line and I will be proud of you.

~Your hopeful and optimistic 23 year old self

The way I view the world and the people around me has changed dramatically from when I was 20 to today. I've seen and learned new things, met interesting people, forged new friendships, discarded negative memories gradually, and loved life deeply these past years.

Thank you for another year. Let's do this!